Autumn at this end of the country is much more dramatic and definite than it is where we are from. The trees are quickly a riot of all the rich autumnal colours and I can already see that they will fall just as quickly as they changed colour. Perhaps it is a bit more time spent inside on the not so nice days, but something about this change of season has had me reflecting a little on our journey so far and all the change it has wrought in my life. Not just the obvious change that is out there for everyone to see but the little ways that things have changed as well. I suppose it is only natural that big life change has a ripple affect on all the little ways you do things and the way you see things in life. I think perhaps for me some of these things were always going to happen but shifting out of our little comfort zone of house, community and support system I had built for myself has sped up the process a bit. One of the things in my life that has had a bit of an overhaul is the way that I approach and manage my parenting. I thought I would share a bit because I wish I had done some of these things years ago. So if you are just here for the bus and the adventures fair warning this one may not be for you.
Some of the things I changed was a concious thing. I was completely aware that I would now be spending all my days with Oliver. My two days a week where he went to kindy and I had a chance to focus entirely on things I wanted to were over. The weekends he would spend staying at his Nanas every couple of months where I caught my breath and we got some couple time were not going to be an option anymore. Here is probably where I should admit that since being a Mum I have never been good at making sure I get the things I need to keep me happy. I don’t know why because before Oliver I really was good at it, I took the time out for long walks by myself, fed my soul with music I loved, books I enjoyed, did the things that helped me give to the other areas of my life. So why once I had a tiny little human who needed me to give more than I ever had before did I drop myself off that list of people that need looking after? I don’t have that answer really. Perhaps it was partly because when Oliver arrived Wayne’s job had him working 70 hour weeks. I would kiss him goodnight on a Sunday everning and most weeks wouldn’t see him until late Friday night or Saturday afternoon if I was lucky. Out of neccessity I got really good at coping by myself.
Anyway fast forward to us buying the bus. I don’t want to end up stressed out, grumpy and not coping with the close living spaces. My current way of dealing with this is not 100% working for me and it’s got to change now anyway. So I did conciously decide we needed a strategy to try and avoid this becoming a problem. We decided that the healthiest thing would be to plan in times where each of us would have some time out from being with Oliver. As it turns out when we are all traveling together it’s not such a big deal, it tends to happen quite naturally that one or the other of us will take Oliver off to do something alone. It’s when we are stationary and Wayne is working that I really need it. Wayne is a night owl so would much rather take his time out in the form of a sleep in the next morning on a weekend. This works for me as sleeping in just isn’t something I do. But for me the last few months the little outings on the weekends that my boys go on are absolutely life changing. I love them both to absolute pieces but I just naturally like being alone sometimes. That time to read or write or go for a walk or do some baking without a tiny helper measuring my ingredients for me is the best present my husband has ever given me.
So the other things we changed were not such a conscious choice, they have just sort of evolved as we built our new life around the way we were now living. Most afternoons now Oliver will find something he wants to occupy himself with for an hour or so, get some toys out or puzzles. Anything that requires little to no input from me in regards to set up and that he can do entirely on his own. This took a little coaxing to begin with but now he often says himself that it’s time for some quiet time and asks me for what he wants to do that afternoon. My son has always been a helper, loves to do all the household chores with me and now at almost six he is actually a wonderful help. He dries the dishes most mornings, he does a great job of vacuuming or sweeping the steps and is always keen to help in the kitchen or fold the clothes. This is actually a great side to homeschooling, you can develop a real sense of teamwork around the work of everyday life. But that helper drive coupled with the fact that he is an only child mean I do need to make sure he plays independently sometimes.
The other things I do differently now are more about mindset really and I think they flow from the fact that I am taking more care of my mental health so I have a clearer head, more patience, less stress. I work quite hard now to approach everything positively, because it’s amazing how much the way you frame something can influence your experience. And on those days where for what ever reason my beautiful son does not have such a beautiful disposition I try to make the most of the fact that I have the freedom to choose what our days look like and go somewhere or do something that we both get a lot of joy from. For us at the moment in Gore that means a walk to the river, going to the pools for a swim, visiting the aviary at the gardens or a visit to the library. And on the wet days it might mean putting on some music for an impromptu dance party or putting on gumboots to go jump in puddles. Because being in those spaces we both enjoy can make all the difference in the world to how we both feel and interact with each other.
Thanks for reading today’s ramblings, I’m certainly no expert or perfect parent but those are not normally the kinds of parenting stories I like reading either. Do you have any things you’ve found that really work for your family? I’d love to hear what you do that helps your family keep ticking over.
My Wandering Kiwi Family 